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Unknown About 'tattoo sleeves on girls'|heart tattoos for girls on side About 'tattoo sleeves on girls'|heart tattoos for girls on side The               first               time               I       ... 5

About 'tattoo sleeves on girls'|heart tattoos for girls on side







About 'tattoo sleeves on girls'|heart tattoos for girls on side








The               first               time               I               cut               myself               deliberately,               I               was               14.

My               parents               were               downstairs               fighting,               and               I               was               alone               in               my               dark               room.

I               didn't               know               how               to               cope.

Some               of               my               friends               had               talked               about               cutting.

Hoping               it               would               help               me               deal,               I               dragged               the               razor               across               my               skin               twice,               carving               a               V.

It               stood               for               victim,               because               that's               what               I               was:               a               victim               of               my               mother's               rage,               of               torment               by               my               peers,               of               the               world.

I               felt               like               my               life               was               nothing.

I               immediately               felt               release.

The               warm               blood               flowed               gently               down               my               arm,               calming               me.

My               frustration               was               relieved               at               the               price               of               my               arm's               former               beauty.

The               pain               was               immense               this               first               time,               but               I               enjoyed               it.

It               numbed               me               to               everything               going               on               in               my               life,               mind,               and               heart.

The               world               around               me               melted               away,               and               there               were               only               me,               the               blade,               and               the               blood.

I               was               free               from               everything               else,               and               it               felt               so               good               to               feel               something               new.
               The               next               day               I               wore               long               sleeves.

My               boyfriend               caught               my               arm,               and               I               winced.

He               pulled               up               my               sleeve               to               discover               the               wound.

My               other               friends               saw,               too.

I               was               scolded               by               my               upset               friends;               some               of               them               were               cutters,               too.

I               was               also               shown               sympathy,               compassion,               and               understanding               that               I               so               desperately               needed.

Not               only               were               the               solitary               moments               of               pain               relieving,               but               the               aftermath               was               comforting:               support,               love,               help.
               I               soon               got               the               help               for               which               I               was               crying               out.

I               told               my               father               that               I               was               depressed,               and               he               didn't               believe               I               could               be.

My               friends               told               the               guidance               counselor               that               they               were               worried               that               I'd               truly               harm               myself.

I               wouldn't               have;               it               wasn't               about               dying.

When               she               called               my               father,               he               believed               her.

He               finally               took               it               seriously.

He               enrolled               me               in               counseling,               and               I               saw               a               therapist               once               a               week.

I               talked               to               her               alone,               so               I               could               confide               in               her.

I               needed               that,               too.
               I               saw               a               psychiatrist               once               for               a               prescription.

He               asked               me               if               I               harmed               myself.

My               father               was               in               the               room.

I               had               to               lie.

I               told               them               that               I               didn't               cut.

I               also               said               I               sometimes               just               poked               myself               with               safety               pins.

I               needed               the               man               to               know               some               fraction               of               the               truth.

My               father               was               extremely               alarmed,               shocked,               and               upset               about               that               so               I               knew               I               could               say               no               more.
               I               was               prescribed               paxil,               and               I               began               to               feel               a               little               better.

It               gave               me               a               false               sense               of               happiness.

It               made               me               see               the               world               in               a               more               positive               way.

But               it               changed               nothing.

My               mother               still               abused               me,               and               my               parents               still               fought               violently.

The               police               continued               to               show               up               a               few               times               a               month.

Nothing               was               really               improving.

The               chemicals               in               my               brain               were               just               functioning               differently,               a               temporary               fix.
               Too               many               people               noticed               my               arm,               so               I               learned               to               cut               in               more               discreet               places,               mainly               my               leg.

Even               today               my               left               leg               is               scarred               up               and               down.

I               started               at               the               bottom,               but               that               wasn't               discreet               enough.

I               eventually               moved               up               to               my               thigh.

Once               I               even               put               a               long               line               of               deep               gashes,               maybe               10               of               them,               in               a               row.

My               father               saw               them               once               when               I               wore               shorts.

I               told               him               I'd               fell               off               my               bike               onto               a               rock.

I               stopped               wearing               shorts.

Even               now               I               don't.
               I               wore               long               sleeves               until               my               arm               healed.

I               rarely               wore               short               skirts               or               shorts.

If               I               did,               they               were               accompanied               by               high               soaks               or               darkly               tanned               tights.

I               could               only               trust               my               friends.

I               knew               the               rest               of               the               world--especially               my               parents--wouldn't               understand.

I               was               right.
               When               my               father               found               out               he               wasn't               compassionate.

He               was               angry.

He               was               a               logical               man,               a               member               of               the               military.

He               couldn't               comprehend               how               cutting               could               be               so               soothing.

His               response               was               to               yell,               order               me               to               stop,               and               threaten               me--the               last               things               I               needed.

I               just               kept               lying               and               hiding               the               scars.
               Even               with               the               medication,               I               was               still               battling               depression.

At               night               after               dinner,               as               my               parents               fought               downstairs,               I               sat               in               my               room               in               the               dark               listening               to               the               clashes               below.

I               heard               objects               break               and               slam               against               walls.

The               yelling               was               so               loud.

I               tried               to               drown               it               out               with               music,               but               I               couldn't               always.

I'd               call               as               many               friends               as               I               could               to               avoid               feeling               alone               with               the               chaos.
               Eventually               everyone               had               to               go,               and               only               the               shadows               were               there               to               embrace               me.

Sometimes               that               was               enough               to               comfort               me;               I               felt               at               peace               in               the               darkness.

Other               times,               it               wasn't.

It               was               then               that               I               would               turn               to               the               razor,               who               had               become               a               friend.

Sometimes               I               only               needed               to               cut               once               or               twice,               and               other               times               I               would               slash               my               skin               over               and               over.

It               was               like               a               drug.

Sometimes               a               quick               fix               would               do,               but               eventually               I               needed               more               and               more               to               get               the               same               effect.
               I               eventually               became               so               accustomed               to               it               that               I               did               it               for               fun.

It               became               a               twisted               form               of               art.

I               carved               my               boyfriend's               name               in               my               ankle               over               and               over,               like               a               tattoo.

Even               now               it               is               almost               legible,               etched               there               in               my               skin.

To               be               honest               I               don't               mind               that               scar               as               much               as               the               others.

It               was               done               for               different               reasons,               for               love,               for               art,               maybe               a               bit               out               of               boredom.

It               wasn't               done               for               dark               reasons.
               I               began               to               realize               that               the               feelings               caused               by               the               drug               paxil               were               a               fake.

I               wasn't               thinking               like               myself.

I               needed               to               be               happy               because               my               life               was               good--not               because               of               a               pill.

I               needed               to               start               dealing               with               my               problems.

I               stopped               taking               the               paxil               and               after               cutting               a               final               time               decided               once               and               for               all               to               never               do               it               again.

I               had               harmed               myself               enough.

So               many               times               I               had               vowed               to               stop,               but               this               time               I               meant               it.
               My               left               leg               was               (and               still               is)               covered               in               scars               when               I               quit.

My               arm               was               less               scared               but               still               not               very               attractive.

The               scars               there               are               very               faint               now,               barely               noticeable.

The               final               thing               I               carved               was               "help               me"               on               my               lower               leg,               a               final               plea               for               help.

I               wanted               someone               to               reach               out               for               me               and               save               me,               to               help               me               cope,               to               teach               me               better.

I               wanted               the               world               to               see               how               damaged               I               was.

I               wanted               my               body               to               match               my               heart.
               I               don't               anymore.

Now               I               hate               these               ugly               scars.

They               are               haunting               reminders               of               a               terrible               past.

They               won't               let               me               forget.

Each               time               I               see               them               I               am               filled               with               pain,               anger,               and               regret.

I               try               not               to               look               at               them.

I               don't               want               others               to               see               them.

I               hide               them               still.

I               don't               want               the               world               to               know               how               stupid               I               was.
               It               pains               me               to               see               what               a               trend               this               has               become.

So               many               young               ones,               mostly               girls,               are               doing               it               now.

Some               do               it               to               be               cool               or               to               get               attention,               like               little               drama               queens.

Some               have               very               real               problems               that               they               need               to               deal               with               but               can't               yet.

I               want               to               tell               them               they               deserve               better               and               owe               themselves               more.

I               want               to               point               out               that               those               scars               will               last               for               years,               show               them               mine,               and               tell               them               how               they               will               hate               them               one               day.

I               long               to               help               them               find               other               ways               to               cope.

All               of               that               is               futile.

They               will               move               on               when               they               are               ready--hopefully               to               better               things,               not               drugs               or               sex.
               If               I               could               give               any               advice               to               the               parent               or               friend               of               a               cutter,               it               would               be               to               educate               yourself.

Don't               judge,               yell,               insult,               or               threaten.

Learn               about               the               illness.

Talk               to               your               child.

Learn               why               he               or               she               does               this.

Understand               what               your               child               is               feeling               and               accomplishes               by               cutting.

Show               compassion.

Most               importantly,               get               your               child               help.

take               it               seriously.

And               remember               that               logic               is               useless;               this               is               an               emotional               issue.
               Moreover,               don't               be               surprised               if               you               find               razor               blades               stashed               away               long               after               you               think               your               child               has               stopped.

Finding               them               doesn't               mean               he               or               she               is               still               cutting.

It               can               be               so               comforting               to               a               former               drug               addict               to               have               drugs               around,               just               so               they               know               they               are               there               if               they               want               them.

They               know               if               it               gets               to               be               too               much               they               have               that               escape.

And               they               also               know               that               they               are               being               strong               enough               everyday               to               say               NO               to               something               that               is               readily               available.

I               know               this               because               I               did               it.

I               kept               a               heart-shaped               box               of               safety               pins               and               razor               blades               for               years               after               I               stopped               cutting.

It               was               a               relief               to               know               they               were               there               if               I               needed               them.

Even               today               I               sometimes               wish               I               had               them               handy,               just               to               know               I               have               the               option               if               I               want               it.

But               I               will               never               cut               again.
               It               was               a               difficult               thing               to               overcome.

The               urges               haven't               stopped               completely.

I               don't               know               if               they               ever               will.

Sometimes               when               I'm               alone               at               night               and               having               a               hard               time,               I               think               about               cutting.

I               try               to               remember               what               it               felt               like.

I               long               to               drag               a               blade               across               my               skin.

I               contemplate               a               trip               to               Wal-Mart               just               to               buy               one.

I               think               of               turning               a               Bic               razor               into               a               tool               for               self-mutilation.

The               urges               can               be               very               strong,               but               I               have               never               given               into               them--not               since               I               was               15.
               But               I               refuse               to               give               in,               no               matter               how               bad               I               hurt               or               how               uncontrollably               I'm               crying.

I               deserve               better.

My               family               deserves               better.

And               I               have               to               set               a               better               example               for               my               children.

I               have               to               teach               them               better               ways               of               coping.

I               must               be               strong               for               them.

I               live               for               my               son.

He's               going               to               learn               enough               bad               habits               from               me               without               adding               that               to               the               mix.

I               will               never               allow               myself               to               go               to               that               dark               place               where               I               must               inflict               pain               upon               myself               to               survive               ever               again.

And               if               my               son               ever               finds               his               way               there,               I               will               do               everything               I               can               to               be               gentle               and               compassionate               with               him--to               save               him.

I               hope               he               never               does.
               I               recently               got               my               navel               and               nostril               pierced.

The               pain               was               brief               and               not               very               intense,               but               it               reminded               me               of               my               cutting               days.

I               was               exhilarated!

I               wanted               more.

I               was               like               a               recovering               drug               addict               that               was               about               to               relapse.

The               high               wore               off,               and               the               craving               died               down.

I               still               want               my               eyebrow               and               lip               done,               but               I               think               I'll               wait               a               while.

From               now               on               I'm               going               to               stick               to               letting               the               professionals               'decorate'               my               body--with               sterilized               materials               and               skilled               hands.
               I               can't               tell               you               why               I               became               a               cutter.

I               was               looking               for               a               way               to               cope.

But               why               I               continued               to               do               it               is               a               different               story.

There               were               so               many               reasons:               art,               boredom,               attention,               crying               out               for               help,               numbing               my               mental               pain,               venting               my               anger               and               frustration,               and               calming               myself               down.

Sometimes               I               felt               like               I               deserved               the               pain.

Other               times               I               wanted               to               damage               myself               to               show               others               what               they               had               done               to               me--to               hurt               them,               to               make               them               understand.
               The               scars               will               stay               with               me               for               life.

I               bear               them               on               my               skin,               heart               and               mind               with               a               mixture               of               shame               and               pride.

I               am               ashamed               for               what               I               did               and               proud               of               what               I               overcome.

I               hope               one               day               the               urges               will               cease,               so               I               can               leave               this               all               behind               forever.

I               pray               I               can               continue               coping               without               the               blade.

And               I               wish               the               same               for               anyone               out               there               who               once               cut               or               still               does.

There               is               life               after               cutting.






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