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Many have come to realize that Halloween is as much a time for children as it is for adults. Children roam the neighborhood in search of candy, but adults mainly seek confections of a non-food sort. Thus, children seeks treats while adults clearly seek tricks. This is hopelessly obvious in the Halloween apparel that so many women choose. This phenomenon is easier to understand when it takes place in the adult Halloween party arena for a few reasons. First, identity projection is at work. People seem to take any opportunity to enact the self they wish they were, or think they are (even though no one else does), and Halloween presents just the occasion. So, all the librarians who tend toward a considerably more nefarious lifestyle, bring it. All the men who enjoy the feel of a nice fishnet stocking, you know what time it is. Secondly, people at Halloween parties do what they usually do during parties only with more showmanship and with the ridiculous expectation that they won't be fully held accountable since it is all a part of the "holiday spirit". Yet, this does not sufficiently explain why a woman would choose to wear her trashy costume to work. The work thing is also rather easy to explain after a little consideration. The desperate woman perhaps wasn't invited to any parties. Alternatively, it could be that the desperate woman has a crush that is straight out of the television show, The Office, that has been churning for several years, and she thought she would give a little extra nudge. On the other hand, the desperate woman may be making a plea to any- and everyone: I am desperate; I have presented blatant proof of this fact by my flagrant, vampish attire; please save me from myself! You women know who you are. You, who wore your Elvira-Queen-of-the-Night dress that is two sizes too small with a neck line cut all the way down to your hips; you, who only need wear the type of thong that will fit on your foot yet the hemline was so short on your nurse costume, you even managed to flash the security camera that is mounted on the ceiling. You need help. You need a few new ideas! The sleazy Halloween-wear has grown stale. How many French maids, sexy pirates, promiscuous cave-women, vampettes, etc. do we need? Not only is it tiring, no desperate woman wants to run into another desperate woman who is wearing the same costume, and looks better. So, here are a few new costume ideas for women who really want to go for a 180 this Halloween (or even 90 degrees, or maybe just one degree). Caution: the list gets more fabulous as you go. 1. The Mystique Costume -- Perhaps this is an obvious costume, but no store is selling this one. Mystique is the fun-loving and evil lizard lady from the X-Men movie series. Although the comic book character is much more normal aside from her blue skin and yellow eyes, Mystique played by Rebecca Romijn(-Stamos) in the X-men movies proved much scarier and sexier, which is just the right combination for a desperate woman. This outfit is skin-tight and the breasts look bullet-proof! 2. The Species Costume -- It is amazing that this character is some guy's fantasy. The Species alien, from the movie Species (along with a number of sequels that opted for more sex than the original and progressively hot chicks rather than a plot), is from another planet, a nymphomaniac who [s intent upon conceiving, is a dangerous killer and is quite ugly when she becomes her true self. This may actually describe the ex-girlfriends of many men, so get ready to be the next ex-girlfriend. In all truth, you may prefer to wear the Species pre-alien costume, that consists of anything intended to turn men on. Consider a skin-tight red leather outfit like the one worn by the murderous vixen in the equally sketchy movie, Eve of Destruction. 3. Paris Prisoner Costume -- Of course, the prisoner costume is nothing new, but if anyone could bring spice to the incarcerated and fashion to a prison jumpsuit, it is Paris Hilton. Truthfully, I'm surprised she hasn't thought to exploit her own 'misfortune' by creating a prison-wear clothing line. Luckily, there are other people willing and able to do the exploiting for her. Just take some white underwear and paint black stripes on them. A black and white striped 'do rag and a white blond hair piece is all you'll need to complete this look, but if you want to really put the D in desperate, glue rhinestones or plastic jewelry to a ball and chain and wear it on your ankle. That's hot. 4. Britney VMA Costume -- Britney didn't rock this outfit the way that she hoped she would, but it got her attention, and it will get you attention, too! Don't worry about spending the money that she did, though. Just get some low-rise boy-cut panties and a bra and sew sequins onto them. Find some support pantyhose from any store, although going hose-free will make a much bolder statement. And if you start looking early, you may even be able to find a dirty blond wig much like the one that Britney wore. Note: the bigger and rounder your stomach is, the better (calling all pregnant women!) -- this is one time that you can outdo Britney herself. 5. Peeping Janet Costume -- Janet may think she finally lived down the 'Nipple-gate' incident, but remind her that she hasn't by wearing this fun and flirty costume. This costume is perhaps the easiest of all. Pair a typical pair of pants that are slightly baggy to disguise hips, as is Janet's custom, with a lacy bra with one side cut out to allow freedom to one breast. For added peep-factor, jerry-rig the bra so that the material can be pulled free at any time. You may also want to find a Justin Timberlake-like assistant to voraciously tear the clothing away. However, if you cannot, this costume may help you find one! 6. Anne Geddes Portrait Costume -- I've never seen this one before. This costume is fun and easy and invariably requires nudity! Anne Geddes is the photographer that has photographed babies in all kinds of fantastic poses, such as one of a naked woman with a baby resting on her abdomen and pubic area. One idea would be to buy a baby doll and strap it to your waist such that the lower hemisphere is somewhat hidden, but leave your chest open and free to breathe. Simple! 7. Edita - Dancing With the Stars Costume -- Edita, the professional ballroom dancer from the popular television show, Dancing With the Stars, is every man's dream. She is beautiful, she has that amazing dancer's body, and she absolutely refuses to wear clothing. Perhaps she is afraid of limiting her Vitamin D intake by blocking the sun from her skin. Whatever the case, make her penchant for near nakedness your hit Halloween costume. Take a sheet and drape it around your body so that almost nothing is covered. Note: You will need double sided tape, and perhaps even the theatrical makeup, spirit gum, that is used as a skin adhesive. Also, keep in mind, don't think Greek Goddess, think Playboy bunny with a towel. 8. Leeloo - The Fifth Element Costume-- Jean-Paul Gaultier was nominated for several awards for costume design for this movie, including the one worn by the character Leeloo, played by Milla Jovovich. You will win cheers and leers when you fabricate your own version of this creation, which amounts to white bandages carefully wrapped to almost cover your behind and not really anything else. For those shapely women with a lot more flesh than Milla Jovovich had before her pregnancy, you may want to make use of double-sided tape, or you may just want to wing it. Don't forget the bright red wig. The best part about this costume is that it can double as your slutty mummy costume next year! 9. Breast Examinee Costume -- This one will really turn heads and is almost too easy. Find a hospital gown that opens in the front and tie it so that one or both sides gape open. For even more fun, use plenty of body glitter, stick fake tattoos on your chest (disregard if you have real tattoos on your chest), or use body paint to draw smiley faces and flowers. Really give 'em a peek-and-boo this Halloween. 10. Cadaver Costume -- It really does not get any easier or sexier than this and that is why this costume is number ten, the crème de la crème. The only thing you need for the hottest costume this Halloween is a toe tag. Tie it to your foot, and totally free yourself of those oppressive clothes on this All Hallows Eve. For extra pizzazz, write your name and phone number on the toe tag. Frankly, anyone who has the opportunity to read the tag is practically obligated to call you. Halloween is fun because it brings creativity into the most dull lifestyle, even for those who aren't hoping to let it all hang out. |
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