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About 'flower sleeve tattoo'|What Flower Means Peace?
Ryan Seacrest: THIS. Is. American Idol! Simon Cowell: You already said that, Ryan. (Audience laughter and scattered applause.) Paula Abdul: (blowing kiss to 18-year-old "American Idol" contestant, Rex "Sex" Daniels, who's standing next to Ryan, sweating and smirking) We need Rex "Sex" in this competition! Every girl and woman in the audience shrieks in agreement. Simon Cowell:I need an aspirin. Get on with it, Ryan. Randy Jackson: It's results time, dawg. Ryan Seacrest: Are the lights dim? Yes? Good. Let's get to it. (Turning toward Rex "Sex" Daniels.) After the nationwide vote...Did I mention that over 30 million people voted last night? Amazing! You guys didn't have anything better to do? Seriously?...Aw, I'm only joking...You ready, Rex? Rex "Sex" Daniels: (mouthing "I love you, too" to someone in the audience) Uh. Yes. No. I dunno. Just say it, dude. Ryan Seacrest: I'd love to tell you...after the break...Just kidding! (Audience laughter.) Wait right there, Rex! Where's Shania Juggs? Can I get Shania Juggs to join me center-stage? Shania Juggs: Me? Ryan Seacrest: Step right over here, darling. Shania hugs the two remaining contestants seated on the couch next to her, and hops to her feet. The audience cheers; a few men whistle. Shania saunters across the stage, waving to the audience. Ryan Seacrest: Shania...Shania Juggs...Last night you sang "Livin' on a Prayer." The judges loved it. Simon said it was your best performance by a mile. Shania grins at Simon. He doesn't notice because he's applying a fake skull-and-crossbones tattoo to Paula's cheek. Ryan Seacrest: America voted...What do you think, Kara? If it was up to you, would Shania go home tonight? Kara Dingledoo: No. Absolutely not. Shania was fan-freakin'-tastic last night. You brought it, girlfriend! I'm so proud of you! (More cheering and applause.) Paula Abdul: Stop it, Simon! Simon Cowell: That's not what you said last night. Ryan Seacrest: Can someone turn off Simon's mic? (Audience laughter.) Grow up, you two. Back to Shania and Rex. Rex...You sang Pearl Jam's "Jeremy." Randy called it a "bold move; not your best, but a'ight." Kara said she "wasn't feelin' it, no offense." Paula said she wanted to have your babies, and would kill any woman who stood in her way. Simon said, I quote, "Really, really dreadful. Like a kitten being stabbed in the eye with a knife. I'm serious. My ears are permanently damaged, I'm afraid." How did you feel when he said that? Rex "Sex" Daniels: Oh, you know, whatever, I gotta go with the flow, it's all good. Simon doesn't strike me as the Pearl Jam type, so, you know, whatever. It's not up to him. Ryan Seacrest: That's right. It's not up to Simon. America has spoken. And the voters did not...(opening the envelope in his hand)...not agree with Paula! Rex "Sex" Daniels: (smiling, then frowning) Whatchoo sayin', Ryan? The voters did not NOT agree with Paula? Ryan Seacrest: Take a seat. Some booing. Some applause. Mass confusion. Rex "Sex" Daniels: Where? Am I safe or not? Ryan Seacrest: (condescending chuckle) You're safe, man! Go back to the couch! Uproarious applause. Rex "Sex" Daniels: Yes! Thank you! Thanks. Thank you, Jesus! Wooooo! Ryan Seacrest: (speaking to Shania Juggs) See how easy that was? Shania shrugs and giggles. Ryan Seacrest: This is where things get interesting. Thanks to Ford and Coca-Cola, tonight there are NO commercial breaks! Which means I can torment you guys even longer than usual-really draw out the pain! I love it! That's why I drive a Ford Focus made out of solid gold and drink fifteen Cokes a day! Did you know these aren't my original teeth? Shania grimaces. The audience cheers. Randy holds up a bottle of Coke and smiles. Kara is sitting on Simon's lap, combing his hair with a silk flower. Paula pushes up her boobs and winks at Rex. Ryan Seacrest: Shania. Do me a favor, darling. Look at your friends sitting on the couch over there. We all know Rex is safe, so you can't pick him. I need you to pick the other contestant who you think is safe. Shania Juggs: I...I couldn't do that. I love both of them and they're both great singers... Ryan Seacrest: I thought you might say that. See this results envelope? Now you see it...Now you don't! (With a wave of his hand, the envelope disappears. The audience gasps.) Where did it go? Simon, do you have the results envelope? Simon Cowell: (rolling his eyes and crossing his arms; his man-boobs strain against his gray T-shirt) Not in a place where I can easily retrieve it. (Audience snickers.) Sorry! Ryan Seacrest: Paula! Do you have the results envelope? Paula Abdul: (touching her cheek to draw attention to her fake tattoo) Um. What color is it? Ryan Seacrest: White. Paula Abdul: Did we miss a commercial break somewhere? Ryan Seacrest: We're not taking any commercial breaks tonight. Like I already said, Ford makes the greatest cars in all the land, and drinking Coke is the secret of my success. Randy Jackson: Ryan, man, stop foolin' with us. Where's the envelope, dawg? Ryan Seacrest: I have lost the results envelope, ladies and gentlemen. I learned how to make it disappear, but David Copperfield never taught me the second part of the magic trick. Audience murmuring. Someone cries out, "Look up there!" A giant cage is lowering from the ceiling above the stage. A spotlight shines into the cage, revealing David Copperfield, flashing his blindingly white smile. Ryan Seacrest: David Copperfield, everyone! (Wild cheering and applause.) David Copperfield steps out of the cage, sweeps Shania Juggs into his arms, kisses her on the lips, and then shoves her into the cage. Shania is blushing and beaming like she's already won "American Idol." David locks the cage and then points at tiny Jessica Johnson, who's eating popcorn on the contestants' couch with Rex "Sex" Daniels and Jason Givens (and Jason's crazy sideburns). Kara Dingledoo: Why don't the judges get popcorn? No fair! Ryan Seacrest: Who will join Shania in the Cage of Uncertainty? Take it away, David. David waves his arms and lures Jessica Johnson across the stage. His eyes smolder. He tugs his invisible rope, tied around Jessica's slender waist. Jessica bites her lip and slinks toward him. David Copperfield: Come to me. Ryan Seacrest: Go easy on her, man. It's a G-rated show. David Copperfield: (speaking to Jessica in a husky voice) Do you want to hear the results of the nationwide vote? Jessica Johnson: (ecstatic) YES! Dear God, YES! YEEEEESSSSSS! David takes Jessica's hand. Shania can't take her eyes off David; she reaches through the bars to touch his sleeve. David blindfolds Jessica and claps his hands. With a blast of rainbow-colored sparks, the cage bursts open. Shania cowers at the back of the cage, making sure her hair's not on fire. David motions to Ryan to help him with Jessica, who has just fainted. David grabs Jessica's ankles and Ryan grabs Jessica under the arms to lift her. David turns toward the audience, raises his eyebrows, and then...lets go of Jessica! She's levitating! Ryan Seacrest: Holy beep! Randy Jackson: Dude! Paula Abdul: (sharing a bowl of popcorn with Kara) Best show ever! Woo! You should make her sing while she's passed out and levitating! Audience, what do you think? The audience roars. "Sing! Sing! Sing!" they chant. Kara Dingledoo: You can do it, Jessica! Ryan Seacrest: (pressing a microphone into Jessica's limp hand; she drops it) Come on, Jess! Show time! Simon Cowell: She's unconscious, blindfolded, and underage. I know that's the way you prefer your women, Ryan, but...(Audience boos.) Ryan Seacrest: I thought we were friends, man. Randy Jackson: Whoa, whoa, whoa! C'mon guys. It's cool. Can't we settle this like gentlemen? Hehehe. David Copperfield: (waggling his eyebrows) WATCH! (He picks up the microphone, places it in Jessica's hand, and waves his arms over her.) SING! The band starts playing "Heart of Glass," the song Jessica performed the night before. Jessica lifts the microphone to her ruby lips and, still blindfolded and suspended in midair, begins to sing. David Copperfield: STOP! Jessica stops singing, and drops the microphone. The band stops playing. David wiggles his fingers, and Jessica floats into the cage, where Shania hugs her and helps her stand up. Jessica pulls off the blindfold and looks confused. Jason and Rex are still sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and grinning like idiots. David locks the cage with a padlock he's magically pulled from behind Ryan's ear. Ryan Seacrest: Now Jessica and Shania are both locked up in the Cage of Uncertainty. You just heard Jessica sing. What do you think, Paula? Should Jessica sing all her songs unconsciously, while floating in the air? Paula Abdul: I think...I think the unconsciousness aspect was really, really, um, that it added something to the performance that was missing last night. Jessica, sweetie, you've got the voice of an angel, and you look great, and you really shined up there tonight. Congratulations. Jessica Johnson: Um. Thanks? Ryan Seacrest: Simon? What do you think? Simon Cowell: I think you've just realized that if you ignore me for the rest of the night, this show is going to have the worst ratings in the history of "Idol." So you made a good decision right there, Ryan, directing the cameras away from the ghastly spectacle up on stage, back to me. Well done. Ryan Seacrest: (confused) Oh. Okay. That's...not what I meant. But how 'bout some more results? Are you all ready? Lukewarm applause. Ryan Seacrest: Jason. Jason Givens, my main man. Jason Givens: (waving to Ryan from the couch; a few girls in the audience shriek) Yo! Ryan Seacrest: Don't move! What is that? Poking out of your jacket pocket? Jason Givens: (patting his pocket, looking confused) You mean this? Where'd this come from? Jason withdraws a white envelope from his pocket. "Oohs" and "aahs" erupt all over the auditorium. David Copperfield nods smugly. Ryan Seacrest: It's the results envelope! Bring it over here, buddy. Jason jogs across the stage. A couple of tween girls wave their "Jason Givens Me Everything I Need!" signs and scream and burst into tears. Ryan Seacrest: The long wait is over, America. (He tears into the envelope and pulls out the card.) Jason. You sang "More Than a Feeling." The judges all thought it was the wrong song for you. But what did America think? Jason? You okay? Jason: (shrugging) Sure. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. It's been an honor. Polite applause. Ryan Seacrest: Wise words. I got the results right here, and, Jason...You...are...going...to...hate...to...not...get...to...participate...in...David's final trick! Because you are safe! Go back and eat some more popcorn with Rex, man! Congratulations! Jason: (pretending to almost faint, then high-fiving Ryan) Sweeeeeeeeeeet! Thank you, America! I love ya, Ma! Hank Z., I told ya, baby, I told ya! Ryan Seacrest: These are your results, America. You've gotta vote for your favorites...or else they end up locked in a cage! Jessica and Shania, one of you is going home tonight. But who will it be? Take it away, David Copperfield! David circles the cage, glaring at the wide-eyed girls inside. He withdraws a long, purple balloon sword from his pants. David Copperfield: (brandishing the balloon sword) Eeny, meeny, miney, mo...Who will stay and who will go? In a puff of smoke, the balloon sword becomes an enormous purple sheet. Ryan helps David cover the cage with the sheet. Jessica and Shania hold onto each other, whimpering. Paula Abdul: I'm so excited, I just wet my pants a little! Kara Dingledoo: (scooting her chair away from Paula's) Ew! Simon Cowell: (talking on his cell phone and sipping Coke) Mmm-hmm. Right. Oh, I'll have to call you back. Uh-huh. Cheers. Ryan Seacrest: I'm ready for some magic. Are you all ready for some magic? The audience cheers. Simon yawns. David Copperfield waves his arms. The cage lifts off the ground. Drum roll. The sheet drops off the cage, and the spotlight reveals only one girl standing inside: Shania, smiling sweetly. Ryan Seacrest: Shania! You...are...safe, sweetheart. (The cage lowers to the ground.) Unlock the cage! David bows and waggles his eyebrows some more, and pretends to throw something at the lock. The lock explodes, raining rainbow sparks and confetti onto Ryan and the judges. Shania staggers out of the cage and hugs Ryan. The judges spit out confetti and give Shania a standing ovation (except for Simon, who is on his phone again). Ryan Seacrest: Let's hear it for Shania Juggs! Thunderous applause. Ryan Seacrest: And let's all say goodbye to Jessica Johnson. We're going to miss you, Jess. Jessica crawls out from under the judge's table, red-faced. Simon laughs and keeps his eyes glued to Jessica's butt. The audience cheers as Jessica rejoins Ryan and the other contestants on stage to watch all the highlights of her American Idol journey: the dying grandmother who predicted her success, the Ford video where she and Shania dressed up as a two-headed monkey, the time Simon called her a "minx," the time Randy said she was "blazing hot," the ex-husband who admitted he never should have divorced her. "We got married when we were fifteen. You know, how was I supposed to know that two years later, she'd, like, be famous, and recording hit records and stuff? Divorcing her was the biggest mistake of my life. I still love ya, Jessie Pie. Call me." David Copperfield:(high-fiving and hugging all the contestants, trying to figure out which camera to look into) This is American Idol! Good night, everyone. Remember to always drink Fords and drive Coke. |
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